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When I was eight I was terrified of the night, of going to sleep, of being swallowed up by the darkness and not being able to wake up. When I was nine a ghostly figure floated at the top of our staircase, this didn't do much to calm my fears of shadowy corners. For most of that year I slept on the floor next to my parents bed. Even through my teens I would wake with such an intense fear of being alone in the dark, I would go sleep on the floor in my sisters' room. (My youngest sister sleeps with her eyes open, so most nights she'd freak me out too and I trod back to my own room.)
This year, December, marks 20 years since I lost the love of my life and best friend. It happened at midnight. Knock on the door. A car ride so clear I can still see the rain drops on the windows and the street lights reflecting dark shadows into the car. I prayed for the best but I knew in my heart he was gone. When the words were spoken, I fell to my knees in a corner devoid of light.
For months I couldn't sleep, the dark screaming its silence in my face. On a curvy, long road at dusk the car started to fall into the arch, depths of dark wintery trees to my right. What if... what if I just let go of the wheel and drift into the trees. What if I let the darkness swallow me, maybe the pain will stop. I eventually made it around the bend and continued straight, on the road, leaving the bare trees in my rear-view mirror.
My bed has contained only one for many years and my house shelters me at night like a safe cocoon. I sleep well. Still, I've yet to make friends with the shadows. Even sunglasses block too much light most days.
But today, in SouLodge, I begin a decent with Black Panther, I'm eager to discover her offerings. My battle with shadow begins....
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